Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
None but a coward dares to boast that he has never known fear.
If you can do a half-assed job of anything, you're a one-eyed man in a kingdom of the blind.
Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion. I myself prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning up to do afterward.
How nice--to feel nothing, and still get full credit for being alive.
Like so many Americans, she was trying to construct a life that made sense from things she found in gift shops.
I hate women because they always know where things are.
It is better to know some of the questions than all of the answers.
If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age.
President: If one morning I walked on top of the water across the Potomac River, the headline that afternoon would read "President Can't Swim".
I have a theory that the truth is never told during the nine-to-five hours.
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts.
As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree' -- probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
The only people who find what they are looking for in life are the fault finders.
Nothing is impossible. Some things are just less likely than others.
Charm is a way of getting the answer yes without asking a clear question.
When everyone is somebody, then no one's anybody.
The reason why so few good books are written is that so few people who can write know anything.
Man is the only animal that laughs and weeps, for he is the only animal that is struck with the difference between what things are and what they ought to be.
The opposite of talking isn't listening. The opposite of talking is waiting.
The man who says he is willing to meet you halfway is usually a poor judge of distance.
After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.
All successful newspapers are ceaselessly querulous and bellicose. They never defend anyone or anything if they can help it; if the job is forced on them, they tackle it by denouncing someone or something else.
Human beings are seventy percent water, and with some the rest is collagen.
Television enables you to be entertained in your home by people you wouldn't have in your home.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
A woman's silence is wonderful to listen to.
The more you find out about the world, the more opportunities there are to laugh at it.
It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he'll buy a funny hat. Talk to a hungry man about fish, and you're a consultant.
Vote for the man who promises least; he'll be the least disappointing.
Get all the fools on your side and you can be elected to anything.
The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it.
We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.
Research is the process of going up alleys to see if they are blind.
The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby.
normal people...if ain't broken, don't fix it. for engineers, if ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features
Programming today is a race between software engineers stirring to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the universe is winning.
In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
The average person thinks he isn't.
In the beginning there was nothing. God said, 'Let there be light!' And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better.
Man forgives woman anything save the wit to outwit him.
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.
I am not young enough to know everything.
It is better to know some of the questions than all of the answers.
Not a shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious.
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
After one look at this planet any visitor from outer space would say "I want to see the manager."
We are all apt to believe what the world believes about us.
If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask what's for lunch.
Life is an unbroken succession of false situations.
Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.
The future is here. It's just not widely distributed yet.
Life is hard. After all, it kills you.
You aren't being paid to believe in the power of your dreams.
The sad truth is that excellence makes people nervous.
I am a deeply superficial person.
We are all apt to believe what the world believes about us.
To predict the behavior of ordinary people in advance, you only have to assume that they will always try to escape a disagreeable situation with the smallest possible expenditure of intelligence.
If men could only know each other, they would neither idolize nor hate.
You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person
The trouble with a kitten is that when it grows up, it's always a cat.
A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.
A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.
Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.
How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put 'page 2.'
I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.
I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.
I take my wife everywhere I go. She always finds her way back.
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.
I've got all the money I'll ever need if I die by four o'clock this afternoon.
If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.
If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. He killed himself the first time he saluted.
My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.
This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.
When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.
What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.
Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.
Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.
Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.
You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.
You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.
You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.
Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone.
Partying is such sweet sorrow.
Never knock on Death's door: ring the bell and run away! Death really hates that!
The holy passion of Friendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to lend money.
I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance - waiting for the bathroom.
I never said most of the things I said.
Never fight an inanimate object.
We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.
As long as people will accept crap, it will be financially profitable to dispense it.
I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.
Things are more like they are now than they have ever been.
I know a lot about cars. I can look at a car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
I shot an arrow into the air, and it stuck.
The good psychic would pick up the phone before it rang. Of course it is possible there was noone on the other line. Once she said "God Bless you" I said, "I didn't sneeze" She looked deep into my eyes and said, "You will, eventually." And damn it if she wasn't right. Two days later I sneezed.
The word 'politics' is derived from the word 'poly', meaning 'many', and the word 'ticks', meaning 'blood sucking parasites'.
We learn something every day, and lots of times it's that what we learned the day before was wrong.
The cure for anything is salt water - sweat, tears, or the sea
Sometimes, it'd very difficult to distinguish between an IT guy who says "You're an idiot" to divert blame for his own failures, and an IT guy who says "You're an idiot" because, well, you're an idiot. Especially if you're the idiot.
Those who fail to learn the lessons of history are doomed to repeat them in summer school
To my embarrassment I was born in bed with a lady.
The best evidence for intelligent life in the universe is that it hasn't contacted us yet
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
If people never did silly things, nothing intelligent would ever get done.
You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.
Talent hits a target no one else can hit; Genius hits a target no one else can see.
My cubicle is at a steady 23 degrees. I don't see hell freezing over yet.
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds.
Wolfgang Pauli, "this isn't right. It isn't even wrong."
Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.
And remember, no matter where you go, there you are.
The worst part about being home for the summer is that my parents constantly harass me about using drugs, even though I already explained that I can't get them any until my friend comes back from vacation.
-"You're schizophrenic? that's insane!"
-"You have OCD? That's so neat!"
-"You got a vasectomy? That's nuts!"
When I go out for dinner I like to order steak, because it's the only meal that comes with a compliment from the waiter: "Here's your steak, well done".
What Asians really mean by their peace signs. No more nukes! Two's enough!
Women's Rights Rally Pick Up Line: Once you're done standing for women's rights feel free to sit on my face.
How Many Electriciaing their profession.
Finance is the art of passing money from hand to hand until it finally disappears.
Efficiency is intelligent laziness.
A man with a watch knows what time it is. A man with two watches is never sure.
When I was born I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half.
There is no reciprocity. Men love women, women love children, children love hamsters.
Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.
Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.
He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian.
I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.
I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.
I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.
I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said 'No.'
I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.
I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.
I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.
In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.
It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.
Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body, only the body has more fun.
Marriage is the death of hope.
Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.
Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.
Right now it's only a notion, but I think I can get the money to make it into a concept, and later turn it into an idea.
Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.
There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
Thought: Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.
Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.
You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.
I have lost friends, some by death... others through sheer inability to cross the street.
No one gossips about other people's secret virtues.
The big thieves hang the little ones.
If there were no God, there would be no Atheists.
I'm glad I didn't have to fight in any war. I'm glad I didn't have to pick up a gun. I'm glad I didn't get killed or kill somebody. I hope my kids enjoy the same lack of manhood.
I know that you believe that you understood what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.
Every positron is sacred, every charge is great. If thy don't annihilate then thou must gyrate. Let the singularities spill them, let them lose their mass. ...
(A) Brazilian cities were able to know the election results in the same day of voting, before midnight. That's pretty damn efficient. (B) That's nothing, here on Argentina, we're able to know the election results months before voting. God bless democracy!
A billion here and a billion there, and soon you're talking about real money.
Formula for success: rise early, work hard, strike oil.
This paperback is very interesting, but I find it will never replace a hardcover book - it makes a very poor doorstop.
If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.
There are 10^11 stars in the galaxy. That used to be a huge number. But it's only a hundred billion. It's less than the national deficit! We used to call them astronomical numbers. Now we should call them economical numbers.
Smart people fear smart people
and smart people fear stupid people even more.
All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.
How come when a man talks nasty to a woman, it's sexual harassment, but when a woman talks nasty to a man it's $3.99 a minute?
As I grow older , I regret to say that a detestable habit of thinking seems to be getting a hold of me.
In the United States there is more space where nobody is than where anybody is. That is what makes America what it is.
RAVED - Redundant Array of Very Expensive Disks
Competence, like truth, beauty and contact lenses, is in the eye of the beholder.
I'm willing to admit that I may not always be right, but I am never wrong.
The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, and the second half by our children.
Speak the truth, but leave immediately after.
The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.
I would divorce her, then rape her. Then i'd rape her children. Oh waiiiiiiit.......
im not a child im 13 duh
I'm not bossy, I just know what you should be doing. (thanks to Eggs Benedict)
Egrets? I've had a few. (thanks to Frank)
I'm so far behind, I thought I was first.
I am the English Teacher about whom your mother warned you. (thanks to Eggs Benedict)
Five days a week, my body is a temple. The other two, it's an amusement park. (thanks to Skip Tucker)
My idea of a team effort is a lot of people doing whatever I say. (thanks to Jacob)
That's irrelevant, and irrelevant never forgets. (thanks to Adam Cochran)
Learn Spanish! Jesus is coming. (thanks to Moon Child on Mars)
I'm 33 1/3 RPM in an iPod world. (thanks to Eggs Benedict)
Apathy: I could take it or leave it.
If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people. (thanks to Skip Tucker)
There's no right way to eat a Rhesus.
I don't know why I'm even out of bed.
If life gives you peanuts, make peanut butter. (thanks to Kim Jonathans-Kepel)
Beer is now cheaper than gas. Drink, don't drive! (thanks to Kevin Germain)
If I'm talking, everyone should be taking notes. (thanks to Jacob)
You are 98% chimp.
Where is the rapture when you need it? (thanks to Bill Robinson)
Faster than a speeding ticket. (thanks to Conrad K.)
Better half a slogan... (thanks to Silly Wommers)
People who think they know it all really annoy those of us who do. (thanks to Judy McGuire)
Ham radio operators do it with greater frequency. (thanks to Bil Munsil)
I have a perfect body. It's your vision that's defective. (thanks to Jacob)
I never thought I'd miss Nixon. (thanks to Amber)
Well, at least the war on the environment is going well. (thanks to Sarah Lang)
Jesus loves me, this I know - that is why I don't drive slow! (thanks to Elisha Cheverie)
Just be happy I'm not a twin. (thanks to Jacob)
Churches only worship the prophet margin. (thanks to John Wilson)
Screw world peace, visualize DRIVING. (thanks to Mac S. Asti)
You probably don't recognize me without the cape. (thanks to Jacob)
Don't believe everything you think. (thanks to Michael D.)
My feminine side is lesbian. (thanks to Justin Kinser)
Without geometry, life is pointless. (thanks to Ryan Mazonis)
WWJD (Who Wants Jelly Donuts?) (thanks to Craig)
I'm schizophrenic and so am I. (thanks to Sasori)
Cats make everything taste better. (thanks to Gray)
Stable relationships are for horses. (thanks to Graham)
Your body would look good in my trunk. (thanks to Tiens)
Just say NO to negativity. (thanks to Kevin McKinley)
I thought I was indecisive; now I'm not so sure.
I read the Constitution for the articles.
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade. (thanks to Jordan)
I've heard about the evils of drinking beer, so I gave up reading.
Beer doesn't make you fat. It makes you lean (against doors, tables, walls).
My gamer fragged your honor student. (thanks to Shaun)
The bigger the hat, the better the cowboy.
My dog is smarter than your honor student. (thanks to Gray)
I feel better after I wine a little.
Squirrels - nature's speed bumps. (thanks to Brandi)
I'm still a hot babe, but now it it comes in flashes.
I'm not saying you're a monkey, but take this banana and scram. (thanks to Jacob)
National Spellling Bee Runer-Up
The winner of the rat race is still a rat. (thanks to Jake)
The Moral Majority is neither. (thanks to Bromond)
Dyslexics Untie! (thanks to Frank)
Sorry if I look interested, I'm not!
I would rather hunt with Dick Cheney than drive with Ted Kennedy. (thanks to Steve)
When I want your opinion, I'll beat it out of you.
In case of rapture, can I have your car? (thanks to Ariana Moseley)
Custer wore an Arrow shirt. (thanks to Jake)
I'm pink, therefore I'm SPAM.
I love animals. They're delicious. (thanks to Ryan)
I poke badgers with spoons.
Be alert. The world needs more lerts.
Keep on working, millions on welfare depend on you!
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
Veni, Vidi, VD. I came, I saw, I cankered.
I didn't climb to the top of the food chain to become a vegetarian!
Alcohol and calculus don't mix. DON'T DRINK AND DERIVE!
Kids in the back seat cause accidents; Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
Money is the root of all evil. For more information, send $10 to me.
That's not a haircut, it's a cry for help.
If you observe this vehicle being operated in an unsafe manner, please try to think of it as one more anomoly in the cosmic order. (thanks to Clement Anthony)
If God is within, I hope he likes enchiladas!
So many stupid people, and so few asteroids.
Want a little taste of religion? Bite the minister.
I didn't believe in reincarnation in my last life, either!
Life is too short to worry about how short life is. (thanks to Jacob)
Excess is never too much in moderation.
My mind is like a steel trap. Rusty and illegal in most states.
To err is human, to moo bovine.
Think globally, Act galactically.
My wife says I should get up and go to work, but the voices in my head say I should stay home and clean my guns.
Iambic pentameter in motion. (thanks to Jacob)
If it's not one thing, it's your mother.
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
Don't believe everything you think.
Help your local Search & Rescue. Get lost!
Carpe Diem = Seize the day. Carp In Denim = Fish in pants.
Life is short. So buy the shoes!
Never believe generalizations.
The generation of random numbers is too important to leave to chance.
I don't think, therefore I am not.
Jesus saves. He uses double coupons.
Avoid alliterations always.
Fishermen don't die, they just smell that way. (thanks to CW)
Dyslexics are teople poo.
Jesus is coming. Look busy! (thanks to Buddy)
Say "NO" to drugs. That will bring the prices down.
What would Ashton do?
Jesus loves you. But I'm his favorite.
An Apple a day keeps Windows away.
This bumper sticker intentionally left blank.
When you do a good deed, get a receipt in case heaven is like the IRS.
What would Gandalf do?
Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.
Double your drive space. Delete Windows.
Does anal retentive have a hyphen?
If it ain't broke, take it apart and fix it.
Cat: the other white meat. (thanks to Buddy O.)
Resistance is futile (if > 1 ohm).
My mother was a moonshiner, and I love her still.
MOP AND GLO - The floor wax used by Three Mile Island cleanup team.
I'm Canadian. It's like being American, but without the gun.
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
The control key on the keyboard does not work.
The meek shall inherit the earth, after we're through with it.
Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.
National Sarcasm Society. (Like we need your support)
Nuke the Whales! We'll hunt them at night.
Jesus loves you! Everybody else thinks you're a jerk.
Lawyers have feelings too (allegedly).
If there is no God, who always pops up that next Kleenex?
Too much Pluribus, not enough Unum.
Forget world peace; visualize using your turn signal.
What wouldn't Jesus do?
Ask me about my compost pile.
If you believe in telepathy, think about honking.
People like you are the reason people like me need medication.
I'm retired. Go around me. (thanks to Buddy O.)
Every time you open your mouth, some idiot starts talking.
The box said Windows 2000 or better. So I installed Linux.
Use the best: Linux for servers, Mac for graphics, Windows for Solitaire.
I found Jesus - he was behind the sofa all the time.
So many cats, so few recipes.
Save the trees, wipe your butt with an owl.
Don't make me mad. I'm running out of places to hide the bodies. (thanks to Brett)
I plan to live forever. So far, so good! (thanks to Jake M.)
Rock is dead. Long live paper and scissors.
Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
Veni, Vidi, Velcro. I came, I saw, I stuck around. (thanks to Evets)
On the journey of life, I choose the psycho path.
On your mark, get set, go away!
What would Scooby do?
Honk if the twins fall out. (thanks to Will)
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
Sorry I missed church. I've been busy practicing witchcraft and becoming a lesbian. (thanks to Tananda)
Let's skip the insults and get right down to your butt kicking!
I don't have a beer gut, I have a protective covering for my rock hard abs.
My drinking team has a bowling problem. (thanks to Bromond)
Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
I am not infantile, you stinky poopyhead.
I had the right to remain silent, but I didn't have the ability. (thanks to Kenneth Dockery)
If you can read this, you're not the president.
To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management potential.
You read my bumper sticker. That's enough social interaction for today. (thanks to Jacob)
Liberal Arts major: will think for food.
Adjure obfuscation. (thanks to Betty)
Visualize Whirled Peas
If you can read this, I've lost the trailer!
Stoplights timed for 30 mph are also timed for 60 mph.
I didn't climb all the way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
Don't treat me any differently than you would the Queen.
Practice safe lunch: Use a condiment.
What we need is a patch for stupidity!
Follow that car, Godzilla - and step on it!
Frankly, Scallop, I don't give a clam.
Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up!
I fought the lawn, and the lawn won.
If you can't read this, thank the teacher's union.
I always finish what I st
Procrastinate now.
The last time politics and religion were mixed, people were burned at the stake.
Rehab is for quitters.
My dog can lick anyone!
I have a degree in Liberal Arts - do you want fries with that?
Suburbia: Where they tear out the trees and name streets after them.
Do they ever shut up on your planet?
If you were born again, would you have two bellybuttons?
All men are idiots, and I married their King.
West Virginia: One million people, and 15 last names.
I'm out of estrogen and I've got a gun!
I'm always late. My ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
Who are these children, and why do they keep calling me Mom?
The trouble with life is there's no background music.
Mop and Glo - The floor wax used by Three-Mile-Island cleanup team.
NyQuil - The stuffy, sneezy, why-the-hell-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research.
Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose.
Gravity: It's not just a good idea. It's the law.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
You - Off my planet.
If you are what you eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy.
Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
And your cry-baby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
Warning: Dates on calendar are closer than they appear.
I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
Allow me to introduce my selves.
Sarcasm is just one more service I offer.
Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you weren't asleep.
I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
There's no place like 127.0.0.1
I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
I'm supposed to back up my hard drive, but how do I put it into reverse?
You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.
Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
Chaos, panic, and disorder - my work here is done.
Earth is full. Go home.
Is it time for your medication or mine?
Nyquil: the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-hell-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
How do I set a laser printer to stun?
Getting on your feet means getting off your butt.
I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.
First National Bank of Dad; Sorry, closed.
In dog years, I'm dead!
South Korea's got Seoul!
Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye opener.
Above all else, sky. (thanks to Evets)
To err is human, to forgive divine. Neither is government policy. (thanks to Jacob)
The trouble with the gene pool is that there's no lifeguard.
God made us sisters; Prozac made us friends.
IRS: Be Audit You Can Be
My mother is a travel agent for guilt trips.
Senior Citizen: Give me my damn discount!
(Spotted on a passing motorcycle): If you can read this, my wife fell off!
I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.
Wanted: Meaningful overnight relationship.
I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.
Anything not worth doing is not worth doing well.
A day without sunshine is like night.
First things first, but not necessarily in that order.
Old age comes at a bad time.
If going to church makes you a Christian, does going into a garage make you a car?
In America, anyone can be president. That's one of the risks you take.
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
You're just jealous because the voices only talk to ME.
What I really need are minions.
Beer: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
So you're a feminist. Isn't that cute?
I'm an English major: You do the math.
I need someone real bad. Are you real bad?
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
The more you complain the longer God makes you live.
I R S: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
Out of my mind - back in five minutes.
Without ME, it's just AWESO.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
Life would be easier if I had the source code.
Hang up and drive.
Nebraska: At least the cows are sane.
God must love stupid people. He made SO many.
I said "no" to drugs, but they didn't listen.
Your kid may be an Honor Student, but YOU'RE still an idiot.
I fish, therefore I lie.
Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
If catapults are outlawed, only outlaws will have catapults.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Don't drink and drive. You might hit a bump and spill your drink.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Rap is to music as Etch-A-Sketch is to art.
Honk If you want to see my finger.
God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.
I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.
Keep honking while I reload.
Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
EARTH FIRST! We'll strip-mine the other planets later.
If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.
Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes.
Whitewater is over when the First Lady sings.
Jack Kevorkian for White House physician.
My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her (or something like that).
Constipation causes people not to give a crap.
Sure you can trust the government! Just ask a native American!
Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.
Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!
Veni, Vedi, Visa: I Came, I Saw, I did a little shopping.
What if the hokey pokey is really what it's all about?
If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0!
Driver carries no cash. He's married.
All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
Karaoke bars combine two of the nation's greatest evils: people who shouldn't drink with people who shouldn't sing.
If I get you advantage, can I take drunk of you?
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
Watch out for the idiot behind me.
I drive far too fast to worry about cholesterol!
So you're kids no honor student. Society needs laborers.
Honk if you hate peace and quiet.
I have the body of a god. Buddha.
In case of rapture, can I have your car?
Never miss a good opportunity to shut up.
I doubt, therefore I might be.
Your stupid!
When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl.
There are 10 types of people in the world. Those who understand binary, and those who don't.
Don't bother honking or flashing your lights, I'm deaf and blind.
Honk if you've never seen a gun fired from a moving vehicle.
Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening all at once.
If it isn't broken, fix it until it is.
Thank God I'm an atheist.
Never knock on Death's door. Ring the bell and run, he hates that.
Some days it's just not worth gnawing through the leather straps.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
New Mexico: Cleaner than regular Mexico.
Jesus died for my sins and all I got was this lousy t-shirt.
Archaeologists will date any old thing.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
If you're happy and you know it see a shrink.
Vegetarian: Indian word for lousy hunter.
Worry. God knows all about you.
I drive the speed limit. If you don't like it, call a cop!
Vote Democrat - it's easier than working!
Vote Republican - it's easier than thinking!
Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.
Squirrels: Nature's speed bumps.
Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.
My high school chess club was actually pretty similar to fight club. We both had the same first rule and the members generally got beaten up a lot.
Fur is murder, especially when it's human fur.
I overheard a guy say that he was knee-deep in pussy. I was really impressed; I didn't even realize you could go in foot first.
People complain that the only two constants in this world are death and taxes, but it's just not true. The kid I hit with my car never paid taxes.
A signature always reveals a man's character - and sometimes even his name.
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.